Now That I Know…
"Every parent should know this!"
That was my first thought over 20 years ago, when I learned the principles and practices of relationship-based parenting from Dr. Garry Landreth.
A live coaching session with a mother of a 1-year-old daughter and 3-year-old son reminded me of that phrase. This was her description of her son's behavior in her initial inquiry, shared with permission:
Whenever he doesn't get his way he will yell, hit us or his 1 year old sister, kick, throw any nearby object, etc. and when we try to calm him he runs off screaming, sometimes "fake crying" and sometimes it's real. It's very violent...
I don't know how to turn the situation around and keep his emotions from escalating without hurting someone. Sometimes I can keep my patience in tact, sometimes not. I can see he is hurting, and he is very apologetic afterward, but in the moment nothing I have tried so far works.
She didn't know about the sibling rivalry underlying her son's behavior. It was as invisible to her, as my daughter Colleen's was to me when she was 3 and Betsy was 1. Everything changed when I helped her understand her son's point of view.
Firstborns do not like to share their parents. Here's why:
Fair to them was established by what was normal before the baby was born — you and everything else in their world were 100% theirs. 50/50 seems extremely unfair because, to them (kid logic), it represents giving up 50% or more of what was rightfully theirs, whereas the baby gives up nothing, just gets!
So by even letting the baby stay in the house, older children are already sharing (hidden STRENGTH). Sharing anything else, especially you, is extra, feels unfair, and can increase their need for connection with you.
Saying they love the baby is good practice, but it's not a good gauge for sibling rivalry because most children say that for you—they know it's what you want to hear. You can tell if it's for you if when they need leverage, they take it away by saying they don't love the baby or you. Your child's actions will tell you more, so watch those to see when extra connection is needed.
Since children share naturally when they feel they have enough, meeting your child's need for extra connection will make it possible for them to share you without resentment. A great way to do that is to set a time the child can count on to have you all to him/herself. Random time alone is not enough.
Deliberately setting aside a specific time that your child can count on to play with you alone even 10-15 minutes a day (bath time, one of the baby's nap times, etc.) where you put your child in the lead with his/her favorite toys and use Language of Listening® intensely,* can make a huge difference. Plus it creates an agenda-free, low-stress environment for you to practice your Language of Listening skills.
There is so much you can do with the three steps of Language of Listening. They can help you feel more confident and keep the possibility of a loving, supportive sibling relationship open for your children from the very start.
The following is based on the results she shared with me 5 days later. "Now that I know..." was unspoken but definitely there:
Now that I know...I can see my son's jealousy of his little sister. It shows right through. Everytime.
Now that I know...I have been pointing out how well he is able to calm himself down. The more I did that, the quicker it happened next time.
Now that I know...I pointed out that he was very gentle when is sister "hit" him. I've really pointed out everything he does right.
Now that I know...I also started using "you didn't want to hurt (sister, mommy, daddy, dog...)," and he responds well to that, too.
Now that I know...I'm working hard to replace "but" with "and" (I didn't realize how much I said that) and taking a few seconds to calm myself before I react.
Now that I know...We had a long talk when I tucked him in about how hard it was for him to have a baby sister. I really understood his perspective, and could see that what he wanted was important.
Now that I know...With all the SAY WHAT YOU SEE® and verbalizing the feelings he is experiencing, we haven't had many escalations this week, especially considering I had to pay a lot of attention to them both this week when we were all sick.
Now that I know...I can see him as a little person with the same feelings and emotions as I have, and I know I respect him more as a person, and don't just see him as a 3-year-old boy. I feel as if it can only get better.
*NOTE: 30 minutes of undivided attention once a week on a set schedule is even better than 10-15 minutes per day. That's what we teach parents to do in our self-led, online 8-week Mastery Class. An in-class review of one of your playtime videos purchased as a Coaching Upgrade can open your eyes to a whole new way of seeing your child that makes STRENGTHs even easier to find. For more information, click here.
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