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SAY WHAT YOU SEE®
is available as a 55 page printed booklet.
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Acknowledgment
SAY WHAT YOU SEE®
simplifies, integrates and expands on communication techniques and
concepts commonly used by play therapists as they were generously
presented to me by a true hero for all children, Dr. Garry L. Landreth,
in person and in his books including, Play Therapy: The Art of the
Relationship, Second Edition. New York, Brunner-Routledge,
2002. I would also like to acknowledge my family and friends for their
years of enthusiastic support, and all of the children in my life who
have reminded me what it is like to be a child.
Throughout the text, direct quotes from Dr. Landreth are indicated by a
superscript L ( L ).
Additional Training
If you liked this book, you will
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the SAY
WHAT YOU
SEE® skills
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www.languageoflistening.com
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Part
I:
A New Perspective
A Valuable
Experience
I’d been warned. Brandon was seven years old,
always in trouble, and full of excuses. I was the parent
volunteer assigned to be his buddy on the first-grade field trip to the
zoo. I have to admit that I was
uneasy about the assignment
and would have preferred to accompany my own child that day, but I
agreed.
After a frantic morning of child-herding as Brandon tried to run ahead
to get to the next cage first, slip around the corner to peek behind
the “Staff Only” door, and duck under the railing
to get a closer look at the lion, the two of us sat down with the
teacher and the other kids for a picnic lunch.
 We
had just finished eating when I looked up and saw Brandon grinning and
aiming the
straw in his juice box directly at me. Before I knew it, he
squeezed the box and red punch flew onto my white t-shirt.
My usual reaction to reckless behavior after an exhausting morning
would’ve been an angry, “Look at what you just
did!” Indeed, the teacher had just such a
look. But instead, I saw Brandon’s look of horrified shock
and responded to what I saw. I heard myself say to the
teacher in a surprisingly calm voice, “It’s
OK! He didn’t mean to do it.”
Then I said to Brandon, “You thought the box was
empty!”
Upon hearing this, Brandon’s tense shoulders relaxed, his
little face shifted to remorse, and he nodded profusely.
Instead of excuses, Brandon delivered a heartfelt apology. I
got the sense that it was the first time in a long time that he had
been understood rather than blamed for an accident.
The buddy assignment turned out to be valuable for us both.
Each time he saw me for the rest of the school year, I got a big hug; I
could tell he felt good about himself when he was around me.
With one response, I’d demonstrated love and respect and was
getting the same in return.
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Notes
A Valuable Experince
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When we
demonstrate love and respect, that's what we get back.
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Responding to the Good in Children
When you were a child you might have heard the statement, “Do
as I say, not as I do.” Children instinctively know
this doesn’t work; adults wish it did. The truth is
that children do
as we do far more naturally than they do as we say,
especially when the two are in conflict. Love and respect are
the two things that matter most in our relationships with
children. Like with Brandon, when what we
“do” is show love and respect, that’s
what we get back.
Love and respect are easy to show to children who are behaving
appropriately; but showing love and respect is challenging when
children are behaving in ways we don’t like. The
trick to maintaining a loving and respectful relationship with our
children is seeing the good in them regardless of their
behavior. This requires a new level of understanding.
We gain a new level of understanding when we recognize that all
behaviors are driven by healthy needs. By changing our focus
from the behavior to the need it demonstrates, we can begin to see the
good in children in all circumstances.
 For
example, children giving
you hugs
are demonstrating a need for human contact; so are children who tackle
you from the side. If we react to aggression as though children are
mean or reckless, we are likely to react with angry reprimands. If we
recognize the need for contact, we are more likely to show children
appropriate ways to get what they need-like a high-five or secret
handshake to replace the tackle. Understanding allows us to respond
with love and respect rather than anger.
What about behaviors that are obviously bad like cheating? Even in
cheating, understanding the need helps us focus on the good. The need
demonstrated by cheating is the need to feel like a winner — a capable
person who can achieve personal goals. This need is universally
understood as good and healthy.
Children know that to feel like winners, they must experience winning.
If winning doesn't come easily, children's innate drive toward health
will automatically propel them toward winning in another form. For
example, if children feel overwhelmed by the game of chess, they may
switch to checkers. If they cannot win at checkers, they will avoid the
game, only play against younger children, or cheat to win in order to
prove to themselves and others they are winners.
 Wanting
to win
is a good thing. When
we focus on the drive to win
rather than on cheating, we can understand the behavior and take
actions that show love and respect. These might include allowing
children to set the challenge level of games played with us by asking,
"Do you want me to play hard or easy?"L;
building self-confidence by
placing children in activities in which they naturally excel; and
teaching new skills when children are ready to advance. When children
are given appropriate opportunities for winning and mastery, they are
able to regain their sense of capability without cheating. Children who
see themselves as winners don't need to cheat; they have nothing to
prove.
While we would like to focus on the good in children at all times, it
is difficult to overcome our automatic reactions to "bad" behaviors.
What stops us is our past, which is always with us in the form of
judgment of others and ourselves. Probably by the time we were age
seven, we had already decided that good behavior = good person and bad
behavior = bad person. <--No good there; why look?
These childhood judgments about good and bad are real to us. They were
locked in place with a lot of emotion as "hot buttons" that
occasionally block our ability to see our children objectively and
respond with love and respect. For example, if we react with anger when
children interrupt us, we are reacting to the judgment "interrupting is
'rude' or 'bad'." Although formed in the past, this childhood judgment
now blocks our ability to see the good in children who interrupt. An
angry response is likely to follow.
If while reading this, you find yourself asking, "What is the good in
children who interrupt?" you are ready to move beyond judgment and
respond with objective observations; you are ready to say what you see.
When you say what you see, you remain
in the
present and are able to
focus on the good in children. In the  case of
interrupting, judgments
like "rude" are replaced with observations like, "You have something to
say that you are excited about." Hearing this observation come out of
your mouth will help you understand what the child needs and come up
with an appropriate alternative like, "You can tell me in a minute," or
for younger children, "Grab that thought and keep it in your pocket for
little bit longer, and then when I'm done, you can let it all out."
As parents and teachers, we want to be role models for seeing the good
in other people. Seeing the good helps us keep children feeling good
about whom they are and about each other. There's no better way for
children to experience love and respect. Love and respect are automatic
when you say what you see.
Listening
to
Understand
Saying what you see creates a special kind of
listening — listening
with
the intention of understanding. Listening to understand keeps us
focused on the child instead of our past. It helps us see the good in
children so children can see it in themselves.
How we listen determines how much children will share with us.
Listening to understand puts them at ease. It helps children express
themselves freely, feel good about themselves, and most of all, feel
important.
To understand children, we must understand their points of view. As we
all know, children see the world differently than adults. Everything
children DO and SAY is a communication from their world to ours. From
what they do and say, we can understand what they THINK and FEEL.
Children love to be understood; even children who want to be a mystery
feel connected when you say, "You're just a mystery to me!"
The desire to be understood is so great that it is actually a need.
Children must continue to communicate until they feel understood. This
is evident in the familiar repetition of "Mom, Mom! Dad, Dad! Teacher,
Teacher!" or the common impulse of young children to tell about a pet
rather than answer the question they were asked when called on in
class.
Like their verbal counterparts, children who are "acting out" a
communication tend to escalate their actions until understood. For
example, if a child starts whimpering when dropped off at preschool, a
parent saying, "But you like it here. Remember how much fun you had
last time?" is not likely to work. When it seems that the parent
doesn't
understand, the child's only recourse is to cry harder or scream to
communicate the severity of the problem.
If the parent were to say instead, "You really don't want me to go! You
will miss me and feel very sad," the child would know his point was
made-no further acting out required. If the parent were to look into
the child's eyes before leaving and add, "I will be back at the end of
school to pick you up," the child would sense the parent's confidence
in his ability to handle loss and cope with sadness. Soon he would be
able to focus on the activities of the class. By returning promptly
after school, the parent would be building trust, thus making future
drop-offs easier for the child.
 With an
upset child,
understanding works like a fire extinguisher.
I've seen a wailing five-year-old with a handful of crumpled papers cry
harder when teachers and other children tried to comfort her by saying,
"Don't cry. Those book marks you made were nice!" This same child was
able to begin calming herself down the instant she heard the words:
"Those didn't turn out the way you wanted. You feel frustrated!"
accompanied by a mood-matching, frustrated stomp of the adult's foot.
Similarly, a child fussing on a long plane ride was able to relax into
the ride after an adult made a sympathetic childlike pout and said,
"Long plane rides are just awful!" Understanding produces instant
results.
Next:
Part II.
How to SAY WHAT YOU SEE
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Language of
Listening®
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Language of Listening®
© Sandra R. Blackard 2005-07
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