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SAY WHAT YOU SEE®
is available as a 55 page printed booklet.
Buy
Now
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Acknowledgment
Although
highly modified, the communication techniques and concepts in
this booklet are based on those presented by my mentor, a true hero for
all children, Dr. Garry L. Landreth, in person and in his book, Play Therapy: The Art
of the Relationship,
Second
Edition. New York, Brunner - Routledge, 2002.
I would also like to acknowledge my family for their enthusiastic
support, and all the children in my life who have reminded me what it
is like to be a child.
Throughout the text, direct quotes from Dr. Landreth are indicated by a
superscript L ( L ).
Additional Training
If you liked this book, you will
love YOU & ME PLAYTIME TM!
It's
a one-on-one time you
spend with your child in a creative play setting intensely using
the SAY
WHAT YOU
SEE® skills
presented in this book. In
your thirty uninterrupted
minutes together once a week, deep and lasting connections are forged.
Join a growing number of parents across the country discovering the
wonders of YOU
& ME PLAYTIME TM.
Language
of Listening®
Copyright
© 2005-07
Sandra R. Blackard
All rights reserved.
www.languageoflistening.com
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Part III:
Conclusion
Changing the
Future
When you put the three parts of SAY WHAT YOU SEE? together,
you have a brilliantly simple way to respond to any situation with love
and respect.
SAY WHAT YOU SEE using neutral observations to connect, validate, and
calm upsets. When you see a behavior you like, add a STRENGTH to help
children become centered and self-confident. When you see a behavior
you don't like, add a CAN DO to gain cooperation and encourage
creativity. Using the three parts together during the formative years
allows children to grow up in touch with their natural strengths
knowing anything is possible.
In the case of a two year old who doesn't get what she wants, feels
angry, and tries to hit you, using all three parts together can sound
like this:
SAY WHAT YOU
SEE:
"You wanted to
go outside, and we have to stay in.
You're so angry, you feel like hitting!"
CAN DO:
"You can hit
the bop bag (or the pillow, mattress, etc.)!"
SAY WHAT YOU SEE:
"Look at you
hitting that! Now you're kicking it! You
feel powerful when you jump and kick like that. Look at you go!"
As the child regains her sense of personal power, she will be able to
calm herself down and address the original problem. The more you
remember to point out her strengths, the quicker she will be able to
draw on them this time and the next time she gets upset. It can sound
like this:
STRENGTH:
"You found a
way to get all that anger out and calm yourself
right down! That shows self-control!"
CAN DO:
"Now, I wonder
what you can find to do inside…"
You can explore some options with her if needed, but chances are good
that if she has fully regained her sense of personal power, she'll come
up with something to do inside on her own. Kids are resourceful by
nature; and, of course, when she demonstrates her resourcefulness,
you'll be there to name the strength!
But don't forget the best part. If you fall into an old pattern of
questions, anger, blame, etc. as all of us do from time to time, you
can always go back. The do-over can be in the next moment, the next
day, or the next week. As long as you go back sometime, your child will
get the benefit of being heard and understood. The only way to do it
incorrectly is to not do it at all.
The more comfortable you get with the three parts of SAY WHAT YOU SEE?,
the more you will hear it coming back from the children around you. So
don't be too surprised when you hear your child say, "I did that just
the way I wanted," instead of getting frustrated; or "I went upstairs
by myself and turned on my own light. I'm brave," without looking to
you for praise; or "This play dough lid is stuck. I can try pulling
harder," without running to you for help.
My personal favorite was when I heard my teen say, "Mom, you look
angry. Something didn't go the way you wanted it to," rather than
assuming my upset was about her. The ability to listen to other
people's points of view without taking it personally comes easily for
kids raised with SAY WHAT YOU SEE?.
Now, if saying what you see is new to you, you will want to start
slowly. Focus on the basic building block first ? SAY WHAT YOU SEE.
It's the key to improving any interaction with a child. For an easy
start, watch a child at play and practice saying what you see for no
apparent reason as in, "You've got the zoo toys," or with school work
try something like, "Looks like you're ready to do your math problems."
At first you might get a puzzled look as the child awaits the usual
questions, but when none follow, notice the results: sometimes more
conversation, sometimes greater focus on the task at hand. But
regardless of the results, pat yourself on the back and say what you
see to yourself, "You remembered to say what you see!" Do that a few
times, and you'll be amazed at how quickly you master this basic
listening skill.
Once you are comfortable SAYing WHAT YOU SEE, adding STRENGTHs and CAN
DOs will follow naturally. Hearing yourself say, "You came home when
you said you would," will lead you straight into a strength like
"responsible." Likewise, an objective observation like, "You are
pouring water on the floor," will naturally call for a CAN DO like,
"You can pour that in the kitchen sink."
 Imagine
how different the future will be when all of our children are
raised and taught by adults who say what they see. Then think how easy
it will be for them to pass these skills on to their children, and you
will get a glimmer of the impact we can have on the future here and
now.
Because kids naturally do what we do, all we have to do is remember one
thing, SAY WHAT YOU SEE, and together we can change the world in one
generation.
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Notes
Changing
the Future
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SAY
WHAT YOU SEE using neutral observations; when you see a
behavior
you like, add a STRENGTH; when you see a behavior you don't
like,
add a CAN DO.
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Get comfortable by practicing the
basic building block first--SAY WHAT YOU SEE.
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STRENGTHs and CAN DOs will follow
naturally.
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Back
to Part II. How
to Say What You See
Back
to Part I. A New Perspective
Back
to Language of
Listening®
home page
Language of
Listening®
© Sandra R. Blackard 2005-07
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