On the Verge of a Breakthrough

If you’ve read any of my blog posts, you know that I am a lover of words, languages, and all things communication. In general, I am very well spoken and able to communicate and express myself with clarity and ease. I love words and always find the perfect one for nearly every scenario, often supplying others with just the right word or words when they are fumbling to express themselves.

But for the past week or so, I’ve been in kind of a fog. Compared to my usual verbosity, I have trouble these days even getting my meaning across, much less using the most precise words available. My interpersonal interactions feel awkward, and I’ve had to start using a phrase I don’t usually need: “never mind.” As someone for whom communication is paramount, this has been especially difficult.

I’ve also noticed that I’m spending significantly more time on distractions like library books and Pinterest, when usually I am able to reserve those for once I have finished what “needs” to get done. I’ve been hiding out, even from myself, and the sneakiest way I do it is by staying up late, despite feeling increasingly more tired. I realized recently that I don’t like to be alone with my thoughts, and drifting off to sleep is one time when it inevitably happens. So I wait until I am so exhausted that once I lie down, I fall asleep instantly. Pretty insidious, huh? I take “hiding out” to a whole new level.

So you’d think, then, that I’d be worried. That I would start pushing myself harder and maybe even reproach myself when I get off-task. And actually…it’s just the opposite. I’m nervous, but more in an excited kind of way. Because I know that this is what happens when my brain is processing something big. In other words, I’m right on the verge of a mental breakthrough!

My mom, sister and I have been exposing mental collapses left and right lately. For more on collapses, and what it’s like when a family processes them together, see Sandy’s post on Ending Exclusion Fears. Every time you realize you have been operating with a collapsed thought, it starts a shift in the way you think, and even in the way your brain is structured. This is also often true when someone you’re related to figures out a collapsed concept in their world view, because families share and pass on beliefs.

When you become present to a number of beliefs that are running your behaviors, it’s a lot to take in. And apparently, whatever shift I’m processing is a pretty big challenge, because I find myself putting major decisions on hold and turning to things I find easy and relaxing to build up my confidence while my subconscious works on it (classic Running Leap pattern). So instead of freaking out, I’m just going to acknowledge how I feel, trust myself to know what I need, and use our Say What You See for You method and watch what it reveals.