Day 5: Finding the source and breaking through!
I finally got it!!! I’m so excited!!! I broke apart this collapse:
“not like = wrong”
and neutralized ‘wrong’! Eva Sim-Zabka, my dear friend, colleague, and possibility coach, coached me through the final piece of this breakthrough process last night. She is so good!
Eva helped me search my childhood memories to find the source of my collapse.
As it turns out, right after my youngest sister was born, we moved, so I can place the creation of this life-long issue around age 8.
At that time, I remember lying awake at night terrified. I had never been afraid of the dark or sleeping alone before. And I am sure that by age 8, my fear of going to bed alone would’ve been dismissed by my parents as unfounded.
Still, I remember crawling into bed with my mom sometimes at that house but have no memories of doing that at any of the other houses we had lived in previously. (Funny how I never before realized that the nighttime fears started there!)
That was also the period of time when I became unable to ask my Dad for help with homework (math) without bursting into uncontrollable tears. Up until now, I never knew why.
I remember worrying that my mom and dad might get a divorce. I had probably seen Parent Trap (the old Hayley Mills version), so I knew what divorce was. It was not very common back then, and I can’t imagine having to choose between parents, especially with my need for my dad’s approval.
My older sister still says she wasn’t aware that our folks were having problems. Later as adults, we learned they definitely were. So, since my room was adjacent to theirs, I must’ve been close enough to hear them argue at night. While I have no actual memory of anything they said, I can’t imagine a kid in the next room missing the tone of voice or the rumbling sounds of anger.
Eva pointed out that since during the day no one talked about it and my mom and dad pretended everything was fine, I would’ve felt isolated.
That was so true! I felt like I’d finally been heard and understood!
Right then I understood that’s why I have to do everything myself. And if everything (my survival) depends on me, of course, I can’t be wrong!
That was the threatening mandate or programming that ran my life until now.
And I can see why — an 8-year-old kid who can’t be wrong? That’s so scary! Wrong instantaneously became collapsed with dangerous (“wrong = dangerous”), and ‘being wrong’ became my biggest fear. No wonder I cried when I needed help in math! I could never like ‘being wrong’!
Here’s just how right kids are:
Back at that time, I started deliberately opening my curtains at night. That is so symbolic! Even though I was terrified of what might be outside in the dark, I would force myself to open the curtains. It was scary, but I had to KNOW.
After looking outside, I remained watchful of the window, but could at least go to sleep. As a kid, I knew what I needed to ease my fear of nighttime, my fear of divorce, and my fears in life.
Now that I get it, I can see that I continued to act out the communication, “I need to know,” throughout my life.
No wonder I had to know everything! No wonder I became a fretful perfectionist! No wonder I had to do everything myself and be independent! No wonder I had to be ‘right’ and couldn’t stand criticism! No wonder I went into my own world! Dangerous to be wrong is too much pressure for a kid!
Crazy. Here I was at the ripe old age of 8 and dangerous. No wonder I had a thing about safety! ‘I’ wasn’t safe.
One of the reasons I married my husband was because I felt safe with him. It’s no surprise I focused on safety in my art conservation career, PTA work, and here in Language of Listening®: SAY WHAT YOU SEE and Power Playtime make it safe for kids to ‘be.’
“I am not afraid,” and “The only way to be wrong in writing the follow-up book to SAY WHAT YOU SEE is not to write it at all.”
I flipped the threat “You can’t be wrong!” to the relief “You can’t be wrong!” because the kind of existential wrongness my child-self feared (“me = wrong = dangerous”) doesn’t exist in the first place.
“You can’t be wrong!” is now a thought I like! Same words, completely different meaning. Nice!
1 thought on “‘Wrong’ Breakthrough Finale”
It’s absolutely amazing how the words “You can’t be wrong” can be a threat and a relief at the same time! This is impressive. Thank you, Sandy.
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