“I know what I should do, but I often react instead of respond with understanding.”
If this is you, I was right there with you when my kids were little. I’d read all the advice and knew what to do, but there were times when I just couldn’t do it!
The thing that made a difference for me was realizing that there had to be something right about my reactions, or I wouldn’t be having them.
At Language of Listening, we boiled down the many needs psychologists were talking about into Three Basic Needs: experience, connection, power. (You can read more about them in the back of our SAY WHAT YOU SEE® handbook and in our upcoming book, How Kids WorkTM.
Turns out that we have the same Three Basic Needs as our kids! And like our kids, our physical and emotional reactions to a mental trigger are our body’s way of meeting our own need for power.
So the best thing to do in those moments is to go into it by doing something on purpose (in a safe way), instead of trying to stifle it.
One thing you can do on purpose is exaggerate.
You would never try to cap an active volcano, but that’s what we do to ourselves when we try to stop reacting. And then we start fueling the next explosion immediately by kicking ourselves for being volcanos!
Since big sounds and big actions (yelling, stomping, etc.) actually help us meet our need for power, a great thing to try in the moment is exaggeration. Because exaggeration is deliberate and big, it gets you conscious and starts to meet your need for power instantly… which is all it takes to turn the tide.
Plus, saying something like, “That’s it! I’m so angry, I’m about to explode!” then miming a silent roar and stomping or pounding the table in slow motion like a giant, does two important things:
- Brain research confirms what experience has shown us – putting your feelings into words makes anger less intense.
- The exaggerated actions break the tension for you and the kids and can create a moment of playful giggles and connection.
That may be all it takes to allow you (and them) to return to the problem at hand feeling more in control of yourself and able to SAY WHAT YOU SEE to describe the problem more objectively and begin to look for CAN-DO solutions.
If exaggerating doesn’t work for you, then try modifying your reaction.
For example, if you start to yell, try to quickly close your mouth or cover it with your hand and continue yelling that way. That one conscious move – closing or covering your mouth – can be enough to change your words into noises that still show your frustration but also show your resolve not to yell. You might even be “to yourself” enough by then to start exaggerating your muffled yelling noises, making them sound a bit silly on purpose, and break the tension with humor, as above.
Similarly, if the reaction you want to change is something like grabbing your child’s shoulder, rather than trying not to grab them, modify it by diverting your grab mid-reach to your own shoulder instead. That one shift could help you take a breath and say, “Let’s do this over in a way that we will both like better.”
Another thing you can try is turning away and validating your own feelings out loud.
Using SAY WHAT YOU SEE to validate yourself might sound like this:
“You are so angry right now, you are ready to explode… and that’s not what you want. You want…”
Anything that doesn’t make you wrong for reacting will help.
One small change can make a BIG difference, because doing anything on purpose helps you meet your need for power.
Just find one thing you can do, practice it over and over in low-stress moments until it becomes second nature, and you will not only be changing your reaction to heated moments but will be modeling for your kids self-control through self-acceptance.
Plus, self-acceptance can help you take a fresh look at the mental trigger that set you off in the first place, and voila, you’re back on the path to personal growth.
If none of the above work for you…
Try getting help. Depending on the severity of the problem, you can talk to a licensed psychologist or therapist, or you can get coaching support from us. We can help you find solutions that are right for you.
Want more examples? Find more details on exaggerating and validating yourself and your kids in our blog post: Calming Tornado Parenting.
