Parents hear a lot about how important it is to limit their child’s screen time. With all the studies and experts concluding that too much can affect everything from physical health to school success, it’s easy to panic when it looks like your child is addicted.
As a developmental psychologist and a member of the first internet generation, I have a unique perspective from both sides of the fence.
I know that unstructured free play in “real life” is vital for healthy development. I also know that video games and social media are wonderful ways to learn, connect, and just…have fun! And I think it’s crucial to help your child develop a healthy relationship to technology — a resource at their disposal, not a behemoth that controls them.
With that in mind, I was watching my friend’s kids recently. We hadn’t gone over screen time rules, but I knew that they preferred to limit the time their kids spent with gadgets.
Therefore, when 4-year-old Zeke asked to play on the iPad ten minutes before bedtime, I declined. When he persisted, despite repeated refusals and CAN DO alternatives on my part, I realized — this is about more than just using the iPad. For him to be this attached, he had to have something specific in mind.
So, I said, “There must be a particular game you wanted to play.” When he responded with an emphatic “Yes!”, I asked him to tell me about it. He described the game in great detail, telling me all the things he liked. I listened actively, allowing him to really relish his enjoyment. Then, suddenly, he said, “I know a game we can play!” He ran to the cupboard and got out the board game Risk.
Thinking he was over the iPad fixation, and a little surprised that he would be interested in such an adult game, I followed him to the coffee table, where he started to take out the board and set up the pieces. As he explained how to play, I realized he was using his own made-up rules that sounded a lot like the iPad game he had just been explaining to me. Genius!
To create win-wins like this, I just remember Language of Listening® Premise #1: children must continue to communicate until they feel heard.
When Zeke couldn’t let go, I knew that his communication was not about just playing on the iPad. So I followed his lead, and learned what it was REALLY about: the particular experience he knew that a certain game would give him. Once that was identified, we found a way for him to create that experience for himself inside the boundary of “no iPad.”
First, I let him share everything about the game with me. Describing it in great detail is kind of like sharing the story of a beloved memory — gives you an experience of re-living it. While he was doing this, I listened intently and commented on all the things that sounded important or exciting to him, to help amplify his experience.
Second, I very intentionally did NOT remind him of the rule about screens. I knew that reminding him of the rule at this point, right as he’s uncovering exactly which part of the game he likes most, would create more resistance by interrupting his process and making him feel un-heard.
Instead, I allowed him to savor his description of the game for as long as he needed — I followed his lead. This is what led him to eventually “run out of steam” and think of a NEW way to get that same fun experience without needing that particular game. It created an opportunity for him to get creative!
Another thing that helps in moments like this is the knowledge that kids like video games for specific reasons.
A few that I can relate to are: the experience of success, the rush of overcoming an obstacle, or even just escaping from the pressures of life and relaxing in an environment where the rules are simple, and you feel in control.
So, the next time you begin to worry that your child is a screen zombie who will never amount to anything, just remind yourself that all screens are not created equal. Your child knows what he needs. Help them find other CAN DOs that meet those needs, and you’ve got the problem solved.
