Brand new insight! Ha!
If you were to tell me few minutes ago that being selfish is a good thing, I would – at best – ask you for a thorough explanation to support this crazy idea of yours.
Lately I’ve been thinking that I can’t stop seeing my son (and myself) as “selfish.” It bothered me, and I decided to face it the Language of Listening® way.
Here we go.
The thought of my son (from now on, my son = me also) being selfish felt uncomfortable and pushed me into the fixing mode ASAP. Aka, unleashing the mama bear to stop “being selfish” from happening.
Following our Language of Listening self-coaching roadmap, I started questioning what selfish means to me.
Answer: Selfish, is someone who cares only for what THEY want (themselves) and doesn’t care for what others want (other people).
So, selfish = not caring for other people.
Then I realized that train of thought was the thing that was creating a deep fear inside me.
A person who cares ONLY for what they want and doesn’t care for others will act in ways that the people around them don’t like, and eventually, THEY WILL END UP ALL ALONE!
Well then of course mama bear would have work to do!! Mama bear, won’t let her child end up all alone!
What a relief!
My angry outbursts when seeing my son act selfishly had pretty solid roots. I wasn’t being crazy. I just wanted to protect my son from being alone…
That was it!
The first and most important self-coaching step, accomplished: I MADE MYSELF RIGHT.
And as happens every time after self-validating, things relax and new thoughts pop up.
So naturally, this thought appeared:
Selfish = pursuing one’s wants = caring for oneself.
Wow! That thought felt GOOD!
I want my son to do this. I want myself to do this.
Still, the fear of ending up alone if you are selfish, remained true.
And then another thought popped up.
“Yes, but my son is not ALWAYS selfish.”
BOOM! That was it.
Now, I was ready to take the next self-coaching step: BRING “AND” INTO MY MIND.
I like this new version of being ‘selfish,’ AND I want my son not to end up alone.
I realized that in the moments I was reacting to ‘selfish,’ I was in the mode of “always.”
That’s the child’s way of thinking that we talk about in Language of Listening. To a child, ONCE IS ALWAYS.
So, after seeing that my son is not always selfish, I felt better.
There are many moments when my son shows he cares for his sister, me, his dad, other people, the environment, animals… you name it.
So yes, my son can be selfish AND care for other people!
That’s the 2nd Language of Listening® premise:
“All children have every possible inner strength.”
Everything is already there; we just need to see it first to help bring it out in our children.
Now that I know that my son ALREADY cares both about himself and others…
Whenever I see a selfish action and feel my anger start to rise, I can just remind myself that he is not ONLY selfish, he is caring also. And the same applies to me.
My new thought is:
“We CAN be selfish AND care for others.”
This feels completely true. And I like it!
So now, I can see that there are SOME moments that my son cares for himself (his wants) and other moments that he cares for others (their wants).
And that feels totally okay!!
Our Basic Coaching Skills Course takes you into our SAY WHAT YOU SEE® validation and our Premises more deeply so you can apply them as I did above. If you want to change outcomes for yourself and your child(ren), don’t wait! Just sign up here.
