Dr. Alfie Kohn’s work has been misunderstood.
After Dr. Kohn published his parenting book, Punished by Rewards, despite the fact that research fully supports his claims that punishment and rewards are detrimental for children, there was a flurry of activity from outraged parents on the NY Times Motherload blog. Most parents confused punishments and rewards with boundaries and were sure he was trying to throw those out!
Not so. Like us, instead of raising children to depend on external control, i.e. punishments and rewards, Dr. Kohn encourages parents to help their children cultivate self-control.
Before comments were culled and closed, one parent’s sarcastic remarks caught my eye:
“Yeah, this will totally work with my 10-month-old when she yanks my hair or rips my glasses off my face and flings them to the ground...”
This was my reply:
When your 10-month-old reaches for your glasses to throw, SAY WHAT YOU SEE®:
SWYS: “You want to throw!
CAN DO: Here’s your bunny. Throw that!” (Point to where it’s okay to throw it.)
Said with excitement to match your child’s, even a 10-month-old will get that you are on their side. If you can find something that clatters like glasses when it falls, that’s even better. The closer you match what the CAN DO to the child’s initial action, the more successful you will be at helping your child shift their behavior into something that works for you both.
For example, if your child’s intention was more about grabbing something off your face than throwing something, as silly as it may sound, put something on your face your child can grab and throw instead. Options might be a little plastic toy that will clatter when it’s thrown, or a washcloth, which would add a beloved hide-and-seek element to the play. And then respond with enthusiasm to match your child’s when they grab and throw that instead.
Provide a CAN DO like that a few times, and your child will learn the pattern of what’s okay with you and what’s not without a punishment or reward.
If the child looks pleased with the throw, you get to add the STRENGTH:
STRENGTH: “You threw that just the way you wanted to!”
Then as your child grows, you can continue to point out fact-based STRENGTHs (instead of opinion-based praise) to help them see more STRENGTHs like:
STRENGTH: “You looked first then threw! That shows you are careful!”
Since children act according to who they believe they are, shifting how they see themselves, permanently shifts behaviors. No punishments, no rewards.
Just like Dr. Kohn says.
Dr. Kohn and I come from the same place.
Both our work has its roots in Carl Rogers’ Humanistic Theory of Psychology. The difference is that I am a parent, not a psychologist, so I simplified Language of Listening® into three simple how-to steps that even I can do.
Our coaching model has turned out to be the basic 3 steps most parents are looking for. It is always right for the moment and for every child because what you say actually comes from the child. And it always starts with the same thing: SAY WHAT YOU SEE® (objective observation).
- SAY WHAT YOU SEE (not what you think) to connect and validate.
- See something you like, add a STRENGTH.
- See something you don’t like, offer a CAN DO.
I posted our little SAY WHAT YOU SEE® Handbook on our website to share with parents around the world, and I invite you to take a look at it. It’s a quick read that could change your life.
Psychologists love it. Every time I share it, parents’ jaws drop and they say in amazement, “It can’t be that easy!” It completely supports what Dr. Kohn and other great psychologists like him have been trying to tell us all along.
Bottom line is, it works!
