I have always been indecisive.
I like to joke that it’s because of my astrological sign: Libra (the scales), which is all about weighing options. According to an astrology website, “Libra’s indecisiveness is caused by the fear that a wrong decision will…cause turmoil in their lives.” Sounds about right!
Another classic case of my ambiguity is my name. My own mom didn’t like decisions either, so she chose Elizabeth to give me myriad nickname options in case I didn’t like Betsy. Fortunately, I have always liked it, so there’s one less thing for me to agonize over. But really, is it any wonder that I have a hard time making decisions?
When I was looking into graduate schools for my Ph.D., as you can imagine, the process was full of decisions. Very important decisions. Life-altering decisions, you might even say. Talk about turmoil.
Predictably, I was reluctant to make even the smallest of choices to start. (Are there even any “small” choices when it comes to decisions that will affect THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? It didn’t feel like it.)
Luckily for me, my mother saw my stagnation and apparent inability to move forward for what it really was: backing up to take a running leap.
From this perspective, I was able to see myself in a new light, as someone working towards what I want, not backing away. I have to tell you, having a mom who can offer that kind of unconditional love and support during hard moments like that makes a huge difference. It’s awesome to have that kind of relationship with her, even as an adult.
In a post I had written earlier about reversing guilt, I explained how finding the wish behind your “should” puts you in touch with who you really are. So after mom’s reminder that I was backing up for a running leap, I began diligently listening for any “shoulds” in my vocabulary. Every time I caught one, I replaced it with “wish” and watched for what would happen.
When I started to feel overwhelmed by how much I didn’t know about applying to grad school, I finally heard the tiny voice that had been there the whole time telling me I should know everything about it already. I mean, if you’re going to apply, you should definitely know what to do and what not to do before you start, right? So then, no wonder I couldn’t do anything to move forward. I was already wrong for not knowing!
Speaking to myself as my mom always does, I switched the “I” to “you” and validated myself with:
“You think you should already know what to do.”
I instantly felt relieved. I mean, I could feel it in my body!
It’s amazing how simply validating your own thoughts with “you think…” (rather than affirming them with “I think”) gives you the distance you need to put them into perspective. That flip instantly makes them less real and takes away their power.
Then, when I replaced “should” with “wish,” I realized that my real truth this whole time has been:
“I wish I knew what to do.”
Hearing that, I was suddenly ready to take action and find out all the things I wish I knew! That same day, I arranged a meeting with a family friend who is currently earning a Ph.D. and set an appointment with my erstwhile adviser at UT Austin.
Because I grew up with validation and STRENGTH-naming, I’ve always known that once I know what I want, I go after it. The place I had gotten stuck was knowing what I wanted.
So somewhere along the way, I must’ve decided that knowing was the key to action, which became, “I should know already.” Are you starting to see the fatal flaw in my logic?
Fortunately, by being on the lookout for “shoulds,” I finally caught that one and turned it into a “wish.” It instantly made a huge difference.
Wishes put you in touch with what you really want, which is the only true motivation in life.
You will not go after something if it’s not what you want (or you can’t see how it’s connected to something you want). Humans just don’t work that way. So the key is to understand what you really want.
The good news is, you actually do already know what you want, deep down. You just need to SAY WHAT YOU SEE to yourself so you can actually hear it. That’s why I still use language hacks like “should” → “wish.” It’s how I become my own advocate, the way my mom always has been for me. Now that’s a great legacy!
Note: If you’d like to learn how to SAY WHAT YOU SEE®, you can read our little handbook for free on our website, or buy your own copy.
Our intention is to share with the world our eye-opening concepts that lead you from traditional listening to a deeper kind of listening that starts with your eyes and ends with your heart.
2 thoughts on “Should I End Indecision, Or…?”
Love this post! I am so indecisive too, always weighing up my options, I made the switch from ‘should’ to ‘wish’ and find myself using it regularly. It’s powerful!
cocochanel, thank you! It’s nice to know my little trick is helping you as much as it helps me!
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