What if you knew the two steps back were also moving you forward?
That’s how a running leap works — you have to back up a few steps in order to succeed with the leap.
That knowledge gives you a powerful tool, a new way to see and manage the actions you take after you hit a challenge that feels like a stream too wide to jump.
When you watch for it, you will see your Running Leap strategy in all kinds of challenging situations.
You can recognize it by noticing what you do right after you hit a challenge that feels like a too-wide-to-jump stream. Whatever it is that you do, check to see how it might be meeting one of your Three Basic Needs for Growth: experience, connection, or power.
Doing something you are good at or that you find easy meets all three needs, and if you can avoid the trap of labeling your behavior as procrastination or avoidance, it will actually work to reduce your stress and build your confidence enough that you will be able to return to your challenge and successfully master it sooner and more easily than if you pushed or badgered yourself with guilt.
Your Running Leap strategy has been with you your whole life — from when you were a toddler figuring out a busy box, to a child learning to ride a bike, to a teen doing school work… And it still guides your actions today, whether you know it or not. (Watch the toddler clip in Dr. Betsy’s TEDx talk, if you don’t believe me.)
Instead of pushing themselves, when children hit what feels like a too-wide-to-jump stream, they back up to do something they are good at or can master more easily to prove to themselves they can succeed.
Here’s what backing up for a Running Leap can look like:
- A toddler who finds the busy box switch too hard will back up and press an easier button over and over, then return to try the hard switch again.
- A child who doesn’t think they can ride a bike successfully will back up to a scooter or a tricycle to master balance and steering, then return to try the bike again.
- A teen who is struggling with homework will start playing with a pencil, doodling, or doing something else they are good at to build their self-confidence, then return to tackle the problem that caused them to leave the page.
When you see a child backing up, point out the STRENGTHs they are gaining so they can master their challenge sooner.
For example, your encouragement could sound like this:
SAY WHAT YOU SEE® (SWYS) to a toddler: “You tried the switch. It didn’t work. Now you’re pressing that button. You can make that one work every time! Now you’re looking back at that switch…”
SWYS to a child: “You’ve mastered that scooter. You turned that corner and kept your balance the whole time.”
STRENGTH: “Looks like you’re getting the skills you need to feel safe riding your bike.”
SWYS to a teen: “You’re flipping that pencil around your fingers,” or “You’re making really tiny circles inside of other circles.”
CAN DO: “Try a couple more to see how many flips/circles you need to do to feel ready to try that problem again.”
Practicing helping a child see their actions in a positive light will help you do the same for yourself the next time you start backing up to get what you need to move forward.
When you were a child, you innately knew this and would NOT deliberately put yourself in a position where you thought you could fail (unless you felt pushed and wanted to prove your parent wrong). Resistance was right, especially at that age, because children decide who they are based on what they do. They innately know that repeated failure could result in the belief that they ARE a failure.
As a child, you wouldn’t willingly do something if you thought you wouldn’t succeed, and you still won’t today. That’s your too-wide-to-jumpstream. You might push yourself to overcome a challenge that feels over your head, but you can feel the inner pressure build when you ignore your need to break away and do something else for a short (or long) time.
The interesting thing is that your return to any challenge will always be quicker and more wholehearted if you take a break and make yourself right about whatever you are doing to meet your needs.
Beating yourself up with labels like quitter, procrastinator, etc., just causes you to back up further because that increases your need for power and connection with yourself.
Research has shown that taking a break to nap or do something completely different than the task at hand, even if it’s looking at kittens online, improves your proficiency in creative problem-solving and ability to perform careful tasks.
When you consider what you are doing during your breaks, you will probably see that you are doing more than you think.
For example, I just took a break to go for a walk. Beyond just enjoying nature and gaining the physical benefits of exercise, I noticed that a big part of my experience was familiarity — knowing the types of trees, plants, birds, and clouds I was seeing, who lived in which house, and the stories of the people who live and have lived in my neighborhood. Knowing things is really important to me and builds my confidence in myself.
So does getting things done, which is why at other times, I might do a Sudoku puzzle.
Folding laundry is another thing I do when I am facing a challenge. It meets my needs for experience, connection, and power really well because I’m very good at it and feel like I am getting something done — two STRENGTHs I need to get in touch with to be able to finish writing a challenging article. I know it works because I just folded some socks, too, and here I am, back writing again.
Backing up to stay calm, listening instead of directing, or pointing out STRENGTHs instead of judging or criticizing can help meet our need for connection and power
For example, each time you get angry, you have things you do that help you express your anger and return to calm. Expressing your anger is another Running Leap strategy. You have to back up a few steps to meet your needs before you can leap to calm.
Whether you like your particular expressions of anger or not, they are designed to meet your need for power and return you to calm. If you think about it, yelling and slamming doors do feel powerful, but since you don’t like those expressions, you may feel powerless to stop, which has you back up even further and stay angry longer.
For example, one thing I did when my children were small was give myself permission to throw things on the floor. I even set out a few things specifically for that purpose.
I did that after recognizing that my automatic tendency to throw things in anger was meeting my need for power. When I saw that as backing up, I was able to do it on purpose with things I chose ahead of time. In effect, I gave myself a CAN DO.
And of course, in keeping with the fourth premise of Language of Listening®, “All growth is through acceptance,” I only had to throw something on purpose once or twice before I NEVER needed to throw anything again!
Recognizing the backing-up step of a Running Leap is pure gold.
It gives you access to steps that you know are moving you forward in your growth. As always, our children have been showing us the way all along.
