While driving to a meeting late, I started pondering why, once again, I found myself leaving at the time I should be arriving.
I recalled an example from my childhood I’d just written about in my journal. I was always the last one in the car and, in a way, still am. What was I trying to communicate with this 50-year-old pattern of behavior?
I had already figured out that I liked to be prepared. Hearing that from my parents instead of the rhetorical question, “What took you so long?” would have helped, but that wasn’t the whole thing.
Neither was my more recent awareness that I like to be efficient. Efficiency explains why I use every last minute to do “just one more thing” before I go… like laundry.
Folding a load of towels definitely feels more efficient than arriving early and sitting there wasting time! Plus, in a world of never-ending projects, it gives me peace of mind to actually get something done!
I still felt compelled to do one more thing before leaving. What was that about?
In the car it finally hit me. What I wanted to communicate since childhood was this:
“I have things I HAVE TO do first!”
Simple as that. “Have to” is what kids say when they think what they want doesn’t matter.
But now I can see communication I’ve been acting out has actually been this:
“I have things I WANT to do first.”
There it is — breaking through my subconscious after years and years of guilt-ridden denial.
It’s actually brilliant! How better to express that what I want matters than to have it come up as a “have to” just at the time when I’m supposed to leave? It can’t be missed when others are waiting!
I hated that, too, by the way.
My first thought was always, “Just go on without me.” I never could stand the idea of making people do things they didn’t want to do, especially if it was “just” because I wanted something.
My deep denial kept me safe from seeing my communication until I was ready to accept that WHAT I WANT MATTERS.
Now that I get it, I can see it was a brilliant unconscious strategy. Even if they are annoyed, when people wait on you, you get a glimpse that what you want matters to them, too. (Why else would they wait?)
Moving forward in tiny increments with glimpses like that is the natural pace of personal growth, but figuring out your unheard childhood communications and SAYing WHAT YOU SEE to yourself works way faster!
2 thoughts on “Efficiently Late”
Wow,, this is great!
How about an update – Where did you go from there?
I’m still a bit new at this to be confident I can think my way through to the behavior change…though I suspect it has to do with giving yourself time in other ways?
Julia,
Suppose you realize that what you want is to be somewhere on time AND to be prepared. In a world where what you want matters, you can do both! All you have to do is set time aside for preparation first. Ridiculously simple, but totally impossible when you have something you “have to” communicate. Thankfully, our personal growth naturally takes precedence over all.
What to do after you reveal a blocked communication is actually simple IF you can trust the process. Just SAY WHAT YOU SEE whenever it comes up and trust your mind to reorganize your thoughts in its own time. Suddenly, thoughts will shift, and you will have more freedom in your behavior.
So yes! You need to give yourself plenty of time validating “what you want matters.”
Comments are closed.