SWYS: “You didn’t like that,” or “You’re really angry!”
Often one objective response to your child is enough to keep YOU from reacting with anger yourself and can create an opening for your child to tell you more.
Everything children DO and SAY is a communication; and they must continue to communicate until they are heard.
This is human nature. So, if a child doesn’t get to express themselves, they will either escalate their actions now or store it up for later.
Unheard upsets do not disappear.
Adding CAN DOs helps translate unacceptable words or actions into those that are OK with you.
Here’s a sample response to a young child’s anger:
SWYS: “Sounds like you really want me to know how you feel right now, and boy, do I! I can see how angry you are in your face, and I can hear it in your words!”
CAN DO: “Must be something you can do with all that anger. You can tear up these papers (or hit a bop bag, pillow, etc.)!”
If your child wants more connection with you, joining in and tearing up papers or hitting a bop bag or pillow together could meet that need for both of you!
The best moments occur when we can become playful in our interactions with kids.
My older daughter used to bounce off walls to lighten the moment for her younger sister who was mad or crying. Kids know what works for kids.
For a parent, playfully sharing the child’s feelings with an exaggerated mad face and silly words could work as well:
“You are so-o-o-o mad!”
[Make a mad face, stomp, exaggerate the child’s expression.]
“I’ll bet you could pop popcorn with your eyes!”
If you do this with humor, not sarcasm, your child might join in, and the event could become a “mad” contest. You could even get someone to judge who looks and sounds maddest.
In any case, just the simple act of playing when a child expects seriousness can make a huge impact and provide the feeling of a shared experience.
This would be a child who is trying to prove a point, so the sooner you understand it, the better. [Note: Understanding is not the same as agreeing.]
In either case, when the upset is over, make sure to go back and add any STRENGTHs you saw so your child can draw on them next time:
SWYS: “You were really angry!”
STRENGTH: “It looks like all you needed to calm yourself down was a way to express it.”
