Here are two simple Language of Listening® coaching skills that can turn any challenging moment with a child or teen into a rewarding one.
1. Accidents: Validate the Intention
Your child’s greatness can be found in their intentions.
When your child makes a mistake or accidentally damages or breaks something, recognizing and pointing out their true intention tells them you understand the real them.
For example:
Imagine your child accidentally knocks something off of a counter, and it breaks. Rather than reminding them to be more careful next time (teaching) or downplaying the problem so they don’t feel bad (fixing), a simple acknowledgment of their intention like, “You didn’t mean for that to happen,” would help them feel understood because it’s actually true. They didn’t!
True intentions connect children with their inner greatness and help them see themselves in a more positive light. As you can imagine that can make a huge difference, especially for those who tend to be self-critical or sensitive to criticism. Plus, by modeling this for your child now, you will be showing them how to do the same for themselves, other people, and maybe someday, even their own children.
Intentions also connect your child with you. Understanding your child’s true intention creates the conditions of a solid relationship. Consider your relationship with a friend you know is on your side. If they do or say something you don’t like or that seems completely out of character — like offering you food that they know you can’t eat or even criticizing you — your initial reaction is to feel puzzled and ask for clarification. That’s you assuming their intentions are good because of the solid relationship that is your foundation.
Pointing out children’s intentions builds that same kind of foundation.
Another place you can find your child’s greatness is in their complaints.
The most important thing to remember about complaints is that when any person is complaining, they aren’t happy with something. But more importantly, they aren’t happy with themselves. No one wants to be a complainer!
Trying to fix the problem for them, judging the situation or their reaction, or teaching a lesson shuts them down or increases their defensiveness because they end up feeling worse about themselves. After all, if you have an answer/solution and they don’t, what does that say about them?
That’s why if you’ve tried to provide guidance or solutions for your child’s complaints, they might’ve taken it as criticism. Of course, the criticism was actually their own self-criticism being activated internally, but they wouldn’t see it that way at the time.
Understanding that your child is reacting to their own thoughts, not to you, can help you remain present, non-reactive, and able to take a different approach: validate the want or wish behind the complaint.
This is where you SAY WHAT YOU SEE® (SWYS). It will take you and the child straight to the source of the complaint and reveal your child’s greatness. It works for everyone because knowing our complaints are valid helps us feel better about ourselves, which moves us into a position to do our own problem-solving or ask for help more quickly.
Here’s how it can sound:
Child: “I don’t want to go. I don’t know anybody there. I’ll be bored.”
SWYS: “You wish there were people there you knew. Then it would be fun.”
Notice how this level of understanding moves your child from feeling resistant, defensive, or selfish, toward their greatness — enjoying the company of others? When you make your child’s case for them, they don’t have to make it themselves. Defensiveness and resistance fall away.
If there’s a boundary like, “You have to go,” you simply state it matter-of-factly and open up problem-solving by returning to what your child wants in the CAN DO statement:
Boundary/CAN DO: “…and you have to go. Hmm. Must be some way you can make it fun or at least get through it.”
Even when you know a boundary is coming, the purpose of validating what your child actually wants/wishes at the outset is not to manipulate; it is to help you truly step into your child’s point of view and open communication so you can better understand their perception of the situation. Understanding helps you get on their side and support them in the problem-solving THEY need to do to overcome the challenge THEY are facing.
Validating other complaints might sound like this:
Teen: “My friends all hate me!”
SWYS: “You want them to be supportive.”
Rather than arguing (fixing) with a response like, “Surely not all of them…,” stating the ‘want’ behind the complaint encourages your child to tell you what actually happened and what they wished would have happened instead. That’s when problem-solving can be introduced like this:
SWYS: “So, what you wish they would have done was ______________.”
Boundary/CAN DO: “Must be something you can do…”
Or
Teen: “I never get to do what I want! You treat me like a child!”
SWYS: “You want more freedom. You’re getting older, so of course you do!”
Boundary/CAN DO: “This activity is not okay with me without supervision. Hmm. There must be something you can do that would be.”
The skill of listening for greatness is a Language of Listening coaching skill that can help you build or rebuild relationships with your child and others, but that is not all. It gives you a new understanding of human nature that can help you become kinder and more loving to yourself, too.
Self-coaching Tip:
In your self-talk, try responding to your own accidents and complaints by listening for greatness, and experience the difference for yourself.
Further reading:
2 thoughts on “Responding to Accidents & Complaints”
I have a question about the intentions. It says to validate the intentions of the child. The example was when a child accidentally knocked something down. Now what about when a child intentionally does something like throw something or intentionally says something mean to another child? How would you go about approaching that?
Marisa,
Sounds like you understand the point of validating a child’s intentions when what they’ve done was not on purpose. When they take actions you don’t like intentionally, it’s even more important to reconnect them with their true intentions which are often hidden a little bit deeper.
Your questions was such a good one, I ran it by my current coaches in training and created a post with their answers for you here:
https://www.languageoflistening.com/how-to-respond-to-bad-intentions
Thank you for bringing up this important point!–Sandy
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