How To Coach a Perfectionist Child

How To Coach a Perfectionist Child

Saying, "That's OK. It doesn't have to be perfect," does not help a perfectionist child.

I explain why in this Q&A with a mother of a 12 YO perfectionist daughter, though the explanation applies to most ages.

Question:

 

My biggest issue is my precious 12 year old girl. She is a delight with a heart of gold and a perfectionist – however that is her down fall. She takes what people say to heart, even when not true, and will make herself sick physically and emotionally when she messes up...Basically, she is me.

 

I HATE seeing her like this. I know first I have to start at home and let her know that it is OK to mess up, to cry and show emotion and to be herself even if others don’t like it. What do I do?

ANSWER:

You said you feel like the most urgent thing is to start at home to help her bring acceptance to herself. Helping to bring self-acceptance is coaching. Validation is the first step.

You can start right away by validating her need to be perfect, because to her it is extremely important, if not urgent, to be perfect.

I know it may sound backwards, but from a perfectionist child’s point of view, being told it is OK to mess up, show emotion and not care what her friends think, is telling her she is wrong to be herself, even if that is not your intention. Then I would also suggest that you apply the same validation approach to yourself with the simple tools I share in What's Perfect About Perfectionism - Part 2 because of the instant relief it can bring.

Here’s why: The normal human reaction to being told you are wrong is to become defensive and prove that you are right. You are proving it to yourself as much as to the person who criticized you, tried to fix you, or told you that you were wrong. Though subconsciously driven, even getting sick over messing up can serve as proof, as in “See, I even get sick when I mess up. What else do I need to do to prove that being perfect really is important?!!”

Acceptance is the missing element in shifting perfectionism from an anxiety-ridden malady to a gift of excellence. Once she knows it’s OK to be the way she is (no matter what that is), she can naturally start to relax about it.

Validation can make a big difference fast!

Validation is not agreement or encouragement. It is understanding that sounds like this:

“You really wanted that to be perfect! You tried so hard and still messed up. You are afraid that everything is ruined. No wonder you are upset! That's not how you wanted it!”

As a perfectionist yourself, you have special insight into what she is experiencing. Validation gives her permission to be who she thinks she needs to be, do what she thinks she needs to do, and feel the way she feels - all the things you want for her and yourself. Self-love and self-acceptance allow comments from others to roll off.

When you have your own approval, you don't need to get it from others.

The rules for validation are: no fixing, no judging (good or bad), no teaching, no questions. The reasons for this are explained in my online handbook, SAY WHAT YOU SEE. When you leave those things out, all that’s left is pure understanding and compassionate listening. It’s the key to reconnecting with her and with yourself, and it's the missing step that will allow her to have a much needed cry about how hard it is to do everything right.

Total validation allows people to drop their defenses and start to look inward for the thoughts and beliefs that are creating those feelings of pressure. When those thoughts and beliefs are finally found and validated, you and your daughter will be on the path to some much needed relief and self-acceptance and more open to seeing perfectionism as a STRENGTH.

If you would like additional assistance with this, I offer private coaching for adults and my colleague, Dr. Theresa Kellam, Licensed Psychologist, works with families. It would be a privilege to help you turn this situation around.

 

Note: This Q&A is based on an answer I provided in the public comments of Rachel Macy Stafford's Hands Free Mama viral blog post: The Bully Too Close To Home and shared by permission.

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3 Comments

  1. Katherine Torrini |

    wow! I never thought about it that way– that by not validating a perfectionist tells them it’s not ok to be yourself!

  2. Katherine, sounds like that clicked on a deeper level.

    You’ve probably seen this: When we try to convince a child that something is OK when they don’t think so (perfectionist or not), their response is either a defiant, “No! It’s not!” followed by some type of escalation to prove just how much it’s NOT OK; or silence while they try to change how they feel about it and hold in the tears. Seldom do you see relief.

    When children want reassurance, they ask for it as in, “It’s OK, isn’t it?” That’s when a reassuring nod is actually “following their lead,” though you can make it safe for them to open up even more by adding, “You’re not sure, though.”

    Validation is all about full self-expression and demonstrates that ANY way of “being” really is OK.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  3. Sandy,

    Your point about “The normal human reaction to being told you are wrong is to become defensive and prove that you are right.” is so spot on accurate. When I’ve travel down this road in dealings with our son it truly is the road to nowhere.

    The idea that “Acceptance is the missing element in shifting perfectionism from an anxiety-ridden malady to a gift of excellence” is a light bulb moment for me. This shift in perspective in how I think and what I say has the potential for significant change. I am looking forward to implementing this tool.

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