“I won’t eat that cauliflower! It stinks!”
When you respond, try SAY WHAT YOU SEE®.
The purpose of our first step*, SAY WHAT YOU SEE, is to leave children truly feeling understood so they have no need to defend their position, preferences, or in this case, literally their tastes.
The best way to do that is to make their case for them. Once children know you understand, you can go on to problem-solving with CAN DOs.
SWYS: “You really don’t like that cauliflower! It tastes bad and smells yucky! You don’t even want it in the same room with you, and there it is, sitting right on your plate. And on top of that, somehow you have to find a way to eat it! Man!”
CAN DO: “Hmmm. Must be somewhere I can put it while you figure out a way to eat it without having to taste or smell it.”
Kids’ solutions work best.
My daughter’s solution for eating broccoli was to put ketchup on it. That would never have occurred to be, but it worked for her because she was the one who came up with it!
Check your boundaries, then let the child problem-solve to come up with solutions that work for you both.
In the example of a distasteful vegetable, could you offer 2 veggie choices at each meal? Or maybe a special veggie-free day each week or month to celebrate your child’s other tastes? CAN DO problem-solving at mealtime can take the power struggles out of the kitchen. CAN DOs all the time can take power struggles out of your life.
*FYI: While Language of Listening® has the same roots as parenting greats like Ginott, Faber & Mazlish, Cohen, etc, the SWYS approach is unique in its simplicity. Our coaching model has 3 steps:
- Start with SWYS (the same thing) every time
- Find STRENGTHs in EVERYTHING your kids do (no kidding)
- Get on your child’s side in problem-solving with CAN DOs inside your boundaries.
No rewards or punishments; just understand, show your child their greatness, and give them acceptable ways to meet their needs. What could be better than that?
Plus, the SWYS approach makes all other relationship-based parenting models more accessible. The greats have explained the theory; we’ve got the simple how-to.
