If your child appears unnerved after witnessing or hearing about scary events, the most important message I have for you is this:
Listen to your child, validate their concerns and feelings,
and trust in their resilience.
With your trust, support, and coaching, your child can find ways to overcome any challenge and will develop valuable STRENGTHs as a result.
After all, bravery and courage only show up when a person feels afraid and acts anyway.
The same actions taken without fear may be noble, heroic, or even just normal… like turning on a light in a dark room. When a frightened child does it, it’s brave. When they’re not frightened, it’s normal.
Watching for hidden STRENGTHs and pointing them out will build your child’s confidence (and yours), in little moments and big.
For example:
At age 4, one child I know witnessed a violent attack on her mother at night where the attacker seemed to come out of nowhere. Afterwards, one of the changes I saw in her was that she became easily spooked by unexpected noises — first just at night, and then also during the day.
While a heightened awareness of sounds is actually a brilliant self-protective response for staying safe in the dark, the child didn’t see it that way. She felt frightened and vulnerable day and night until I pointed it out as the STRENGTH: ‘danger-spotter.’
To help her practice her new skill, I took her for an afternoon walk in the woods. She immediately turned our walk into a fantasy adventure where she spotted all kinds of danger like ‘wolves’ (dogs barking), ‘pterodactyls’ (birds cawing), and even a ‘jaguar’ (leaves rustling). As a danger-spotter, she felt empowered and brave instead of frightened and helpless.
The shift was immediate, lasting, and a good first step.
Next steps:
In cases of severe trauma like that experienced by this little girl, mental health professionals can do even more. Since Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can follow, early intervention is recommended. Seek professional support as soon as possible especially if you see sudden behavior or personality changes in your child.
These are my top recommendations:
- Child-Centered Play Therapy — Play Therapy is based on play, not dialog. Since children naturally work through their life challenges in play, “Play Therapists use the therapeutic powers of play to help children prevent or resolve psychosocial difficulties and achieve optimal growth and development.” Many play therapists also work with the whole family.
- Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) (course) — I was co-author of the CPRT Treatment Manual, 1st edition with Drs. Bratton, Landreth and Kellam. We designed the manual to help social workers, counselors, and therapists teach parents to be therapeutic agents for their own children (filial therapy).
The 10-session course serves two purposes: it teaches parents the skills they need to create therapeutic playtimes with their own children and provides a group therapy experience for the parents themselves. If a play therapist in your area does not offer this course, ask for a referral to someone who does.
- The Parent Survival Guide (book) — If CPRT is not available in your area, Dr. Kellam’s companion book written for parents is a therapeutic self-help version of the CPRT course.
- Language of Listening® Mastery Class (online course) — Our self-led Mastery Class is based on CPRT and focuses on providing mastery of our three simple coaching skills in power playtimes with your child. 60+ video clips demonstrate each skill and help you understand what your child is communicating through their play.
- SAY WHAT YOU SEE® for Parents and Teachers (book) — Our handbook simplifies the CPRT skills into three simple coaching skills and shows you how to apply them to daily life with children.
