Our Motivation Formula — Part 2: When Kids Don’t Care About a Clean Room

Experiencing success with the motivation formula is the place to start, just as you did in recognizing what helps you start cleaning is wanting a clean sink and mirror and envisioning it. We do this subconsciously all of the time; bringing awareness to that process is what Part I is about.

Likewise with young kids, start with something they are happy to say they want, like playing a game. When a child pictures playing a game they want to play and knows it’s possible to play it, it is extremely hard for them to hold back. They want to run and do it right now!

That’s the time to help them see how the motivation formula works and that self-motivation is already within them.

Once they ‘get it’ and see how it works for things they like and want, then you can suggest they try a small challenge to see how it can help them with something they know they need to do, but don’t really want to do, but don’t mind too much. See if they can find something they want in the doing of the small task or just beyond.

For example, if the task is putting a toy away, maybe they can find a fun way to do it like slow motion, fast motion, or another creative approach. Or if there is another toy they want, and they know this one has to be put away first, challenge them to focus on the one they want and see how that helps. You can say:

SAY WHAT YOU SEE (SWYS) + CAN DO: “You want to play with that one, AND this one has to be put away first. See how fast you can put this one away to get to that one! Go!”

All motivation is internal, so once kids start succeeding in harnessing their own motivation and understanding how they work, they can try it on bigger and bigger challenges. Pride in knowing they have self-motivation will get them through many challenges in life.

This is the kind of Success Training that I talk about in many of my blog posts because it works so well for kids.

When you (or kids) don’t take action, the two places to look are:

1. at what you want, and
2. if you think that goal is possible.

The task you don’t like at work is one that I’m guessing you actually complete each year despite not wanting to, so you probably are leaning on the distant want that you mentioned of keeping your job. Either that or something else you want has to be present for you to take action. Identifying the specific want could be helpful.

If it’s not wanting to keep your job, then it might be something closer at hand that you want or like but don’t recognize, like getting things done and checking them off your list, doing things well, being thorough, acting responsibly, keeping your word, or like your kids, finishing it so you can do something you’d rather do. The closer at hand the thing you want is and the more you want it, the easier it is to harness that want to help you take the action you need to take.

Often the thing that helps the most in connecting with what you want is being able to say what you don’t want to yourself as in:

SWYS to Yourself: “You don’t like this task. You think it’s pointless! You don’t want to do it!”

Saying what you don’t want out loud or under your breath often frees you up to take action. That’s because the first premise of Language of Listening® applies to us as well as to our children:

“Everything we say and do is a communication, and we must continue to communicate until we are heard.”

Wants are the most important thing we communicate, so if you can’t say you don’t want something, you will have to act that out.

That often shows up as resistance to the action you need to do. Once that’s out, it’s much easier to focus on what you do want… even if it’s just wanting to get the stupid task done.

As for older kids who don’t care about a clean room, like I mentioned in Part I, check to see if they are resistant because they feel like they are, or have been, forced to clean. “They don’t care,” is often what WE conclude when kids don’t take action based on OUR motivation (what we want). Most kids actually like a number of things about a clean room, but can’t tell us without fearing we will use it against them.

Try Success Training with them, as above, with things they want to do so they know they already have motivation before challenging them to use it to make cleaning their rooms less onerous.

When they are ready for the room-cleaning challenge, let them tell you how much they don’t want to do it, validate that by SAYing WHAT YOU SEE, then state your boundary clearly with ‘and,’ and help them focus on something they do want when the room is clean. That way, they can see how the motivation formula works for things they know they need to do as well as for things they know they want to do.

Then, as I suggested in Part I, help them succeed with a series of two-minute tasks they can envision as possible.

For example:

SWYS: “You really DON’T WANT to clean any of this. You hate cleaning! It’s a waste of your time…”

CAN DO: “You WANT to play your video game, AND the room has to be cleaned first. Picture your game, picture your hands on the controls, picture your favorite part of the game. That will help you get this done really fast. Here’s something you can get done right now… grab all the clothes on the floor and put them in the hamper. Now, pick up the wrappers and throw them in the trash.”

STRENGTH: “Look at that! 2 minutes, and you cleared the floor. You are motivated to play that game!”

SWYS: “Now, you’re grabbing the covers and making your bed.”

STRENGTH: “I didn’t have to say a thing. You knew what to do…”

Help kids like this a few times, point out their STRENGTHs along the way until they know they can do it quickly, and ease out by stepping out of the room between tasks until they eventually can do it all without you.

Then… and this is very important… watch for that smile over a job quickly done or well done, or even over liking a clean room, and point that out, too.

Wanting something is the true source of motivation; knowing it’s possible puts us in action. I hope you keep working with it and will let me know how it goes.