“Not My Fault” Breakthrough

“Not My Fault” Breakthrough

Imagine living in a world where you are supposed to prevent all accidents, never make a mistake, and never get sick. I did...until this week when I finally broke through another subconscious belief. Suddenly the automatic reactions of blame and anger I had to spills, broken things, getting things wrong, and even getting sick made sense!

I was at exercise class working out my wonderful body when I noticed that I felt really sad about not being able to do a certain move. Regardless of the fact that the slightly restricted motion in my arms was the result of a  condition I had a year ago, I caught myself thinking, "It's not my fault." When I pondered, "Why would I think that?" I started to realize that I must think it could be. I had to grab a Kleenex to dab away the tears on that thought.

Knowing that tears meant I was on to something, I left the class and pursued my thoughts further by saying what I saw to myself until it felt exactly right — my way of sneaking up on my subconscious.

When I hit the thought, "You would never want anyone to think you would restrict your body on purpose," the floodgates opened.

That was it — the source: a communication from childhood that was never heard or validated.

It took me straight back to age 8 when my dad broke his ankle and my mom, who was angry at him for many other things, blamed him. Shortly thereafter, I had an extended illness that kept me on the couch for weeks — me, the kid who loved to run and never held still! The feelings of guilt started then, as did the double denial, "It's not my fault. I didn't do it on purpose," in matters of accidents, mistakes, and health.

Suddenly I realized that I couldn't tell these apart: "accidents=fault=on purpose." It was as though if I were "at fault" for an accident, I must have done it "on purpose." Yuck!

As odd as it might sound, that meant that at any time I might be going around doing things on purpose that I didn't intend to do (accidents) — totally missing that the two were completely contradictory!

If you've ever had the same confusion, you will understand the kind of internal guilt and need to control everything that this subconscious belief generates because clearly, the only way to be sure that nothing is your fault is to keep all accidents, mistakes, and illnesses from occurring. And since they are somehow "on purpose," you should be able to, right? Of course, the stress involved would bring on accidents, mistakes, and health issues of its own, and the cycle would continue.

But like all collapsed concepts, pretty much as soon as I realized that I couldn't tell them apart, they broke apart. Now I can see that accidents for which you could be "at fault" are actually the result of sometimes random but clearly unconscious acts. If they are random or unconscious they are not controllable and certainly not intentional because you are not aware of them—that's about as far from "on purpose" as it gets.

Now that's not to say, there isn't something to learn from inquiring into the cause of accidents, mistakes or health issues, or that somehow they aren't part of a bigger picture that when understood can forward your personal growth. (Hint.) But trying to learn something from them when you are reacting with guilt and denial is not so easy unless you know how to SAY WHAT YOU SEE to yourself.

That's why the best thing to do with any thought you feel sad about, sounds defensive, or otherwise stands out, is to SAY WHAT YOU SEE yourself thinking.

Repeat the thought that feels right at the moment; sit with it; turn it around; ponder what it means and why you would think it; pay attention to context, associations, and memories; and eventually you will gain insights that lead to a breakthrough. Then poof! Suddenly everything will make sense.

For example, now I can see that my several health "conditions" (pretty much the definition of a problem that is not your fault) actually provided me with years of proof that "It's not my fault!" Finally, my childhood communication has been heard and validated...by me!

Now without the distraction of whether or not something is my fault, I can see what I can do about my health on purpose!

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