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Motivation Formula—Part 2: When Kids Don’t Care About a Clean Room
Self-motivation is natural and automatic, unless you've been taught that it's "making yourself do something you don't want to do." In my previous post, Motivation Formula & How to Use It—Part I, I explained what self-motivation actually is and how it works. My simple formula for self-motivation is: Want + Possible = Action A reader tested this out and had a couple of questions that might have occurred to you as well. With her permission, I moved our conversation from the Comments section of that post to this Part 2...
read more“Uh-oh! I think my arm needs a diaper!”
Toddlers objections to doing things we want them to do can show up in many ways. One of parents' least favorite ways is a tantrum. After reading my article NPR—What’s Behind A Temper Tantrum? a mom of a toddler asked me this (shared with permission): I have a 2.5 year old who has been acting out a lot lately especially with diaper changes. How I would use Language of Listening with a diaper change that he absolutely does not want to have. Any suggestions?—Cassandra ANSWER: "Acting out" is the perfect phrase for what you are seeing,...
read moreMotivation Formula & How to Use It – Part 1
When my daughter Betsy was in middle school, she told me through a flood of tears that she was sure she had no self-motivation. She couldn't make herself do things she didn't want to do. Yep, that's the message I'd inadvertently been sending: making yourself do things you don't want to do IS self-motivation. Of course, I was applying it to myself as well, and it led to a lot of anger and frustration, especially on cleaning day. Cleaning day in my house was no fun for anyone! Turns out that she and I had been missing the point. While making...
read more“No! It’s mine!”—How to Respond When Other Parents Are Watching
The "it's mine" phase is difficult for most parents to handle, especially in front of other parents because many people still see it as selfish. Actually, it's simply natural and important for children to meet their need for power by controlling their things. Controlling things is a great way for them to do that, and way better than trying to control their parents, other kids, or grabbing other kids' things. Whenever possible, the desire to keep toys all to themselves should be allowed and protected, because when kids feel powerful and safe,...
read moreThe Perfect Response to “I want…”
"Being heard is more than a basic human need. It's the key to connecting with our inner greatness and unleashing our full potential."—Sandy Blackard You will often hear me say that what you like and what you love is who you are at any moment. What you want comes from there and determines the right level of challenge for your growth. What you want not only guides you on your path, but it is the source of your motivation. My simple formula for motivation is: want + possible = action When you know what you want and believe it's possible, you...
read moreStubborn. Now what?
Does stubbornness run in your family? If you are seeing it in your child, you might think they got it from you. Each time I am asked what to do about a stubborn child, my answer is the same: SAY WHAT YOU SEE®. Stubborn is one of those things that we are sure we "see," but is not really happening. However, it is what we are thinking. The descriptive nature of SAY WHAT YOU SEE gets you out of your head into the moment, so you can see what actually is happening. For example, when you've told your child to put on their coat because it's time to...
read more“I hate you. You’re mean!”
Do you dread hearing, "I hate you. You're mean!" from your normally sweet child? Here's what's behind it and a reply to turn things around. What's Behind It Kids often say "I hate you. You're mean!" to parents, grandparents, or other children in a boundary situation when they can't do or have something they want. Particularly if that phrase troubles you or you have made it a taboo, they say it to meet their need for power, which shoots up when they are hungry, tired, rushed, frustrated...or feel like they are not heard. "I hate you," actually...
read more“I’m gonna hit him”
My preschooler came out of her room and stomped once. I carried her back to bed. As I turned to leave, she called out: “When we were camping, C wanted to be alone, and I kept at him, and he hurt me. He hit me first. I hit him second. Next time we go camping, I'm going to hurt C.” “Then I'm afraid we can't go camping with C,” I said gently, hoping she would see the error in her ways (but not see I was making that up). “We go camping to have fun, not to hurt people.” My response was typical enough of many parents, I think. Logical...
read moreBedtime—Kicking to Stay Awake
Question: My son basically only hits /pinches/ kicks to avoid going to sleep. Any advice on how to facilitate this behavior without facilitating the procrastination? (For instance, if I redirect him to kick the bed instead of me, then he'll kick the bed for literally half an hour or more if I let him, no matter how tired he is).—Mom (child age 2), Austin, TX Answer: Thank you for your question! It sounds like you've tried facilitating your son's kicking, and it didn't help him fall asleep to get the rest you know he needs. And your comment...
read moreDismantling Problems
Not all problems are problems, unless you are an imperfectionist. Then all problems are equal, and each one "has to" be fixed. When I woke up staring at the dead bugs in my ceiling lamp, I suddenly realized that despite all the growth I've had around perfectionism, at first glance, I was still seeing problems everywhere I looked! Little ones and big ones that all needed to be solved—dead bugs in ceiling lamps, crumbs on the counter, elderly family members in need of help, national and global issues, etc. But I must have been ready to...
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